“How are you?”

Why this question is so hard to answer sometimes?

We use "how are you?" as a greeting, without expecting much more than "fine thanks" in response. But when we are really asked this question, perhaps in the therapy room or by a close relative or caring friend, we can struggle to respond. What's going on?

- You don't know. One likelihood is that you can't answer because you don't really know. Possibly you haven't asked yourself this question lately and so the answer isn't readily available. Or maybe you haven't yet learned to identify your emotions and be able to communicate what you're feeling.

- You're afraid of the reaction if you give an honest answer. If what you're feeling is something heavy, complicated, taboo or simply not just "fine" then you might be worried how the person asking will respond. Do they really want to know? Will they judge you? Will you be dismissed, rejected, ridiculed or given unwanted advice? Perhaps it'll just be awkward and sticking with "not bad thanks" feels safer.

- You're overwhelmed. If what you're feeling is relatively simple like "tired because I slept badly", "excited about my new job" or "anxious about a test result" answering the how are you question isn't too difficult. But often we are feeling multiple things at once, about a variety of experiences and situations. Trying to pin down multiple, sometimes conflicting, emotions is exhausting to think about and so you don't bother attempting it. 

- You're not really feeling anything. This could be a temporary or chronic numbness or flat affect. Maybe sharing this feels exposing (see point no2). Lack of emotion can have a few causes, such a depression, trauma, burnout or brain injury. If it persists, talk to a doctor or mental health professional.

How to answer this deceptively tricky question.

We’ve looked at why this simple question is not always simple to respond to. So, how to reply? Of course this will be context dependent, but let's look at each issue as listed above and consider some solutions:

- Start by asking yourself the question first. Try to get in the habit of doing this regularly to improve your self awareness. This can be as simple as asking yourself "what am I feeling?/how am I doing?" a few times each day and finding the words to describe what's going on for you. Tools like an emotions wheel or chart can be helpful to increase your emotional vocabulary.

- Know your audience. Consider if this person is genuinely enquiring about your wellbeing. What's the context? How much do you know or trust them? It's possible you're expecting a particular response due to past experiences, maybe this could be different? People can't connect with or help you if you don't open up, but that's not always wise or possible. If unsure, you could start with something like "I'm not feeling my best today really" and gauge whether or not to expand depending on how they respond. Challenge yourself to open up more in the right circumstances and remember to ask and listen to others too.

- If you're feeling a lot at once, you could simply name that, rather than listing everything you're feeling and risking getting more overwhelmed as a result. It might be tempting to go into all the stories of why you have all these feelings which, unless this is taking place in a therapy session, is probably going to be too much for you and the other person. Saying "I'm quite overwhelmed, there's a lot going on!" could be enough for the moment. This is your cue to then tend to the overwhelm with some self/community care. 

Alternatively, you could choose to focus on one feeling, if talking about it would be helpful. It's ok not to share everything and you might find expressing your most prevalent feeling eases the overwhelm.

- If you're not feeling anything you might choose to simply be honest about this, depending on the context and who's asking. If that doesn't seem like a good idea, think about who you could talk to instead, especially if it's not a temporary experience.

Reflection:

• Answer the question honestly to yourself: “how do I feel?” Use the feelings wheel to help you. Try not to get too wrapped up in story and just notice and name the feelings.

• Follow this up by asking yourself “what do I need?”. Identify one or two steps you can take to tend to your needs.

• Consider how you’d like to respond next time a friend asks you how you are.