How to have an imperfect Christmas (and be OK with it).
Find inner peace this Christmas with the magic of Good Enough.
Perfection is a myth, and the pursuit of it is a recipe for emotional turmoil. So, pre-empt this pitfall with these therapist approved seasonal tips inspired by mindfulness, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and CFT (compassion focused therapy).
Temporary insanity
Christmas is a time laden with expectations and high standards. It seems to magnify whatever emotional distress we’re under, exaggerate our insecurities and amp up our neurotic tendencies. It’s an annual, festive madness.
There’s a few reasons for this seasonal malady; increased exposure to family (or anticipation of this), financial stress, seasonal depression, comparison, pressure to conform, consumerism on steroids, busyness at a time we want to hibernate, sensory overload….the list could go on. All this, whilst being told it’s the most wonderful time of the year.
You don’t have to be anti-Christmas to be affected by all this either, in fact, being a fan of Christmas will likely make all these things more challenging as you battle with the inner conflict of struggling whilst also desperately wanting the festive joy.
Acceptance & Letting Go
Acceptance is hard because it inherently involves loss. What you’ll need to grieve is the idea of the perfect Christmas. Or, more specifically, your idea of the perfect Christmas. How to do this? Grab a pen and, without thinking too much, complete the following two sentences: This Christmas will be great because……….. and At Christmas time I should…….. Write as many answers as you like, stopping when you can’t think of any more.
Look at your answers for the ‘great because’ question. Hard truth: none of this is guaranteed. If you hang your happiness on these things, you’re liable for disappointment. The aspect you have most control over is your own attitude and response to things. Consider if you can add a couple more answers that reflect this, e.g. I will be grateful for every meaningful conversation or moment of connection or I am not going to let Uncle Knobhead’s comments get to me.
Now take a look at your ‘should’ list. What came up for you? Where have these shoulds come from? In my therapy room, swearing is very much allowed but shoulding is not. Behind a should there often lurks an internalised demand, unconscious expectation or unhelpful condition of worth. Maybe some of these shoulds are actually wishes, or intentions, and help you focus on what matters. But I’d guess that many of them are heavy expectations that add emotional labour and items to the already long to-do list. It’s time to release a few of these shoulds. Choose a few that you can see are weighting you down mentally and either reject them completely or amend them, for example ‘I should be the perfect host’ could become ‘I will be a caring host whilst also caring for myself’.
In service of all this, I cannot understate the importance of not taking yourself too seriously.
PSA: matching pjs do not make you a better person.
“There’s nothing festive about burnout”
Good Enough
The key to being OK with imperfection is aiming for good enough. This doesn’t mean not putting in effort or being half-arsed (though sometimes there’s call for that), it means knowing that yours and your loved ones happiness and wellbeing is not resting on everything being just right. Some things will, inevitably, go wrong. You will forget an important ingredient. You relative will say something insensitive. Someone will spill something on their new item of clothing 5 minutes after putting it on. The washing machine might break, you don’t have matching pyjamas, the board game has caused WW3 and the homemade mince pies are actually horrible. Or, far worse, you are missing a loved one, going through a break up, dealing with health problems or navigating something else painful. Life can be really hard, and that doesn’t just stop at Christmas. It is vitally important that you understand that struggle and joy can co-exist. As can loss and love, pain and laughter, heartbreak and silliness.
You do not have to abandon or deny the messy, hurting or complicated parts of yourself to participate in Christmas. Good enough means showing up as your whole self, acknowledging the difficult whilst making the most of all that is good.
Bring it on
A good enough Christmas can include: naff gifts, amateur wrapping skills, tears, culinary mishaps, traffic, plans going awry, arguments…etc. Expect these kind of things. Accept them in advance.
What makes it good enough can be things like: appreciating a delicious meal, recognising what you’re fortunate to already have, giving and receiving love, wearing something sparkly or cosy (or both!), the comfort of a warm home, a useful gift, a donation to a worthy cause. Take a moment to think: how to do want to define good enough? How does this feel compared to ‘perfect’?
Bring on the festive madness! It’ll be over before you know it anyhow.
To close, here’s my favourite Christmas song, which captures the joy and awfulness of this time of year quite well:
