Power in the counselling room
Addressing the power imbalance and focusing on empowering our clients.
A woman in her early twenties arrives for her first counselling session. She arrives, conscious of the sweat patches already threatening to bloom under her armpits, and rings the doorbell on the beautiful old building in which her therapist lives and practices. He opens the door, a warm smile on his face, as he shows her to the room and points out which chair to sit in. His salt and pepper hair is nicely styled and she notices his leather brogues on the Persian rug underfoot. She is wearing trainers with her office skirt and blouse, having power-walked straight from her minimum wage job.
This was me, about 16 years ago. My therapist was a graduate of the training centre I was attending, and had previously been an architect. His home, therapy practice - and footwear (I love a brogue)! - were aspirational to me. We were both white, British, cis-gendered. But even in this situation there is a power imbalance. There always is; power imbalances exist in the counselling room because they exist in society.
Power dynamics show up in the counselling room from before the client even sets foot in the door (or video call). There is inherent power in the role of qualified professional, who is being paid for a service by a person who is suffering in some way. Layer onto that gender, socio-economic background, race, sexuality, level of education, religion….to name just a few aspects of identity that come with varying degrees of power, status or prejudice.
Then there is the power given to us by our clients; the pedestal we might be put on, the assumptions made about us and the weight added to our words. Not recognising this can be dangerous, especially with a vulnerable client who is desperate for someone to take care of them or provide the answers.
My client arrives and shuffles uncomfortably in his chair. He is tall, with brown skin and a dark beard. He’s from an Arab country and has a work visa for his specialised role at a research lab in the UK. Earlier this week, there was a terror attack in another part of the country that has been all over the news. The offender was a man of a similar age and appearance to my client. I hold this awareness in one part of my mind, whilst remembering that he’s come to therapy to work on a relationship problem that has little to do with race, religion or politics. “It’s good to see you Amir,” I say, and mean it. “You look a little worried, do you want to say what’s on your mind today?” I think I pick up on some relief that mixes in with the anxiety as he starts to tell me about an unexpected conversation he had with HR about the length of his visa and a subsequent argument about it with his wife.
“Power is the ability to influence or act”
Power itself is neither good nor bad. It’s how we use it that matters. In her research on leadership, Brené Brown describes two types of power:
Power over - controls, creates fear, inequality. Believes that power is finite therefore protects and hoards power. “What makes power dangerous is how it’s used. Power over is driven by fear.”
Power with/to/within - power as a responsibility. Shares knowledge, upskills, champions & encourages. Centres respect, empathy and connection. Belief that power is infinite when shared with others. “Daring and transformative leaders share power with, empower people to, and inspire people to develop power within.”
I find this a helpful framework for counsellors and therapists too, and it strongly reminds me of Karpman’s Drama Triangle; where each role has either power over (rescuer and persecutor) or is disempowered (victim) and the cycle is endlessly perpetuated until someone changes their part in it.
“Power, properly understood, is the ability to achieve purpose.... Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic....at it’s best, power is correcting everything that stands against love.”
Counselling has pretty terrible business model: aim so that your clients no longer need your services. It’s a familiar joke in therapy forums and chat rooms, with practitioners often reminding each other that if we want to be wealthy we’ve chosen the wrong profession. But if I think of my job as “correcting everything that stands against love” I get a renewed sense of meaning and motivation about my work. A deep desire to empower others, just as I am inspired, lifted up and improved by others.
A therapists job, as I see it, is to embody Brown’s power with/to/within model:
Power with: prioritising client autonomy and freedom to live as they see fit. Giving choices about how they receive counselling e.g. modalities they prefer, lighting/temperature etc in the room. Collaborating on what to focus on and the direction of the work.
Power to: sharing psychological knowledge/insight, teaching healthy coping strategies and emotionally intelligent language, developing skills to help them deal with their challenges between sessions and long after they’ve finished therapy. Not gatekeeping any insights I have about them or patterns they are currently unconscious of (but being discerning about when is the right time to share this).
Power within: highlighting clients strengths, celebrating their successes and pointing out the skills and attributes they possess.
“Freedom is an important condition of the relationship. There is implied here a freedom to explore oneself…I become a companion to my client, accompanying him in the frightening search for himself, which he feels free to undertake”
JOURNAL PROMPTS FOR COUNSELLORS/THERAPISTS/LEADERS ABOUT POWER:
When was the last time you felt powerless?
When was the last time you felt powerful?
What do you love about having power?
In what ways might you be drawn - unconsciously or otherwise - to hold onto/misuse power? (consider the drama triangle)
When might you be not using your power/giving away your power?
Reflect on a recent time a client felt empowered - how did you achieve this?
