The unsent letter
The unsent letter activity is a time honoured therapeutic tool that’s used for catharsis; a healthy release of emotion.
Tried & tested
The unsent letter isn’t a new idea, and knowing a bit about it’s history might add weight to it’s validity and encourage you to try it. The most famous example is President Abraham Lincoln; he wrote "hot letters” to release his rage when generals or politicians pissed him off (relatable!). He labelled them "Never signed, never sent" . This practice meant he contained his reaction to the page so he could respond from a more balanced and calm state of mind.
Since Lincoln many other leaders have also used the unsent letter as a way of dealing with the stresses and intense emotions that naturally come up but aren’t necessarily helpful in positions of power. In the 1970s, psychologist Ira Progoff developed the “Intensive Journal Method” which encouraged people to write unsent letters as a tool for self-exploration.
Renouned therapist Esther Perel has an Unsent Love Letter project and the Wind Phone concept takes the idea in a different, and meaningful, direction by offering people the opportunity to ‘speak’ to a loved one who has died via a disconnected phone in a beautiful wild location.
“It is a place where grief is welcomed without judgment, where love is spoken freely, and where memories can breathe.”
Who is this helpful for?
It can be helpful for anyone to write an unsent letter as a wellbeing activity, has feeling and releasing emotions benefits us all. There are some circumstances when it can be particularly helpful. A common theme is that there are things you’d like to say, but can’t for one reason or another. Here’s some examples, do you relate to any of these?
you’re angry at a colleague or boss but what you’d really like to say would probably get you fired
you want to express something to someone you don’t actually know, like a public figure
you have a lot of feelings towards someone who has died or whom you have no way of contacting
the things you want to say are important but the other person doesn’t have the capacity (perhaps due to age/illness) or emotional maturity to be able to take on board your thoughts and feelings
How does it help?
It might seem odd to write a letter that you’re never going to send. Typically when we’re resistant to this activity what’s really going on is some - understandable - avoidance of feeling the emotions that will likely come up when you give them the space to do so.
“Words left unsaid are feelings that stay”
Emotions are energy, they need to be felt to be released. Sometimes we can fear the consequences of saying how we truly feel to others, so the unsent letter - for your eyes only - offers the freedom to unburden yourself without repercussions, or the need to ‘get it right’. Not considering an audience gives permission to be honest and unfiltered. The things you write might be unkind, seething, biased, raw, unreasonable or taboo. The point is not to validate these impulses but to release them so they are not repressed and left to fester inside us. Writing them out allows the emotions to move through you, rather than define you.
“[writing the letter] gave me a voice when I had none”
In addition to the emotional catharsis this activity can provide, an unsent letter can also be a tool for self awareness. We might be surprised by what comes out. Seeing the words on the page can give perspective that might give birth to new insight; perhaps a pattern emerges or something makes sense now it’s ‘in the open’ rather than lurking in your subconscious.
“The process of writing allows us to speak to parts of ourselves that can be hard to access”
How to write an unsent letter
There’s no right/wrong with this but if you’d like some tips, I hope the following helps you get pen to paper:
Prepare: consider what you’d like to get off your chest and who the letter will be written to (remember you’re not actually sending it). Give yourself permission to get into your feelings and consider when and where you might write this letter, being in a safe space and maybe having tissues at the ready in case the tears flow.
Write: I recommend handwriting this letter; the science strongly suggests that writing by hand improves how you process information and emotions. Get yourself set up with the materials you need (no need for fancy paper or pens unless you want to use them!) and then just go for it - really try not to overthink it or censor yourself. No-one is going to read this and it’s just for catharsis, so let it all out - the page is a safe container for any and all emotions.
After: First, take a deep breath and ground yourself back in your body and your environment. You might want to make a comforting drink and do some stretching/shaking. Then, consider what to do with the letter. You might want to screw it up, shred it or even burn it (please do so safely!). You might decide to keep it somewhere safe. Finally, notice how you feel. You’ll know if the practice has been helpful if the intensity of emotion you felt about the person has shifted. Be gentle with yourself after writing your letter, as it can be a powerful experience.
More information & references:
https://www.unsentlettermailbox.com/
https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/how-unsent-letters-helped-me-find-words
